These Unspoken Gnawing Pains

“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had and dealing with fears you never knew existed.” – Linda Wooten

Today was the first day in almost two weeks that I sat down and did some very important work for @dapperanddarlingshop. I’m incredibly fortunate to have the most wonderful God given gift of amazing team members and they’ve been able to manage Preorder Season as well as set up this Thursday’s #ddpreciouscharms restock and so many other things. I’m completely undeserving.

So today I came back. I sat in my chair, looked over the tasks and instantly felt this gut wrenching fear that I NEEDED to be by Hanalei’s side. That she needed me. That I wasn’t there when she was looking for security and safety. This morning she had another set of labs done (she really is such a rock star with doctor visits). After I had a marketing meeting to hop in. I love meeting with my marketing team. I love all the incredible work being done in D&D. I love hearing their ideas and seeing their eyes light up when they share new ideas. But I couldn’t shake the fear. And it took so much in me to sit there. Just sit there and focus. I felt so weak. I felt so torn. I never knew I’d have to tap into such strength to just be present.

Gwendolyn needs me too. She needs her mommy to just be mommy. Not fixing a health issues or taking her to dr appointments and tests. Just be mommy to her. And I am trying so hard to be just her mommy and not think “Does Hanalei feel ok?” I feel terribly torn. So weak. And I’m fearing she’s not getting what SHE needs let alone what Hanalei needs. But it’s all I can do. It’s all the strength I can give. Every moment is a decision to just be as strong as I can be in the face of fear.

These are the unspoken gnawing pains we moms carry when our babies are sick and everything is shaken. Nothing is balanced and fear constantly looms. Please be gentle to us. Please remember that no one, and I mean NO ONE knows the true mental struggles a mom mulls around and drowns in minute by minute. Hour by hour.