“You Don’t Deserve That”

While my negative self talk may whisper “you don’t deserve that”, the care I have growing inside my heart for my self says, “I refuse to dismiss the person I am now as some sort of stand in for the idealized ‘better’ version of me that is deemed more worthy. I. Am. Worthy. Now.”

I had my wedding and engagement ring resized. I’ve been missing them. Wanting to wear them. But every time I tried them on they were too snug, hurt to take off. So I set them carefully in a little round jewelry box in my dresser drawer and made a mental note that when I lose the weight, I’ll be able to fit in them again. So, they waited in that box. One year passed and they still sat, in the little round jewelry box, untouched. I thought about them a lot but deemed my current self unworthy of the joy of their adornment. Another year passed.

Finally, one day, I said enough. I took them out of the little round jewelry box, put them in a clear baggy and brought them to a local jeweler. As I placed the rings in his hand, I felt a huge sense of relief. He had no clue what he was about to do meant to me. He wrote the information down, slipped them into a little black velvet bag and took them away.

Today, with Gwenie on my hip and Hanalei standing to my right, I slide both my rings back on my finger for the first time since 2019. They now fit the women I am today. Still married, still devoted and in love with the man that gave them to me. And still deemed worthy.

If you’ve been holding off on giving yourself something because you think you don’t deserve it or you’re waiting for a time when a better version of yourself is more worthy, please hold this close to your heart, God deems you worthy NOW. He sees you right now, in whatever state you’re in and says, “child, I love you. You need not wait to be anything else but yourself to be worthy of joy, love, peace, grace, happiness.” Love thyself as God surely loves you.